I am angry at myself for opening the door again. I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision. On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track. I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key. I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.
Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people. We can say again and again thatt we are but;
Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.
Church was awesome tonight! About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.
It made me wonder, though. When D and I were together, we prayed over everything. How was our desire so wrong? Or was it?
God gave us each other but it didn’t last. I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.
I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy. He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t. Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons. He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true. He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money. This angers me. I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt. I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again. I also need to seriously pray.
Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things. I am not sure God wants me with D. again. My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,
As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer. I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.
Which brings me back to my original question; How were we both so wrong?
If you have never tried Air BNB, I highly suggest it. It’s an app where people post rooms and housing for rent instead of a hotel/motel.
I stayed with an amazing family. My room was their Library so I could read to my hearts content. Anyway, I saw my cat and made friends with the girl who will be taking care of her, I also went to Knott’s Berry Farm, dinners and brunches and karaokying with friends. Surprisingly, I even slept solid every night which I haven’t done much since being alone.
On another note, do you ever feel like your life is a Carnival and you are not sure you want to go on a Roller Coaster a 2nd time? Especially when you know parts of the track are faulty and they have only started to fix it.
I think I am there, right now. I am not sure if I should leave the Carnival completely since it just reopened. I don’t know if it will ever reopen again or if I want it to. I do know I need to wait and think seriously about riding this roller coaster again.
*This is Firepie and me.
I am on vacation and I can’t sleep. Plus, I can’t say why. Although, nobody knows me; I do not want to be judged for my life choices and until I seriously figure out what I want, I can’t share them.
I have been having a good time so far and tomorrow (today) I am going to Knott’s Berry Farm and seeing my cat tomorrow night. I’m beginning to think I should have stayed longer since I won’t have time to see everyone I planned. But, that is out of the question, financially.
It’s a bit weird staying with a family but everyone is super nice and make me feel like I am part of it.
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.
D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them. He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears. He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other. I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.
I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart! I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.
I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate. I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:
I can’t. I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!
God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future. It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility. I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.
Tomorrow, I go to California. I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here. When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.
I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it. After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.