Friends?

D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while. 

 He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed.  He did not go to actual recovery though.  That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.

I am feeling a bit better.  I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.

Church Service Generated Emotions

Church was rough last night.  It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.

 I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified.  They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others.  Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same.  Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.  

 I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day.  I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First.   But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!  

How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness!  How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me!  How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction! 

 When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end?  Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.

Mental Mothers Day

So, there I was standing in church listening to the music; watching a couple with their arms around each othet sneaking a kiss..and thinking of D.  The last time I was in a church at Mother’s Day, we were together with his mother. 

 People cry at our church because the service gets emotional. Noone knew if my tears were from the singing, the memories of my mothet, or something else.

Upon leaving church, we ran into an acquaintance from our old church.  I tell him what happened with D. and I.  He asks, “Oh, Is he doing Meth again?”. My heart dropped.  I learn D. has been addicted to Meth and other things.Why does it not make it easier to let my memories go and move on?

There was an Alter Call for Mother’s at church so Crazy and I joined. It was a bit uncomfortable for a minute but, I am not going to be excluded from celabraons of Mother’s just because my children aren’t  human.  I still feed,clean,play with and diclipline my fur children and it is not my fault I am unable to have human ones.

I hope you all had a Happy Mother’s Day!

What’s Goin On

Something’s going on with my ex and nobody is telling me which is very annoying. All I know  somebody slipped to my friend because he thought she knew already and when she asked how D  is doing, he said he’ll be back soon. So where is he? I pray he is okay.

It’s hard when you still love somebody and it’s doubly hard when they keep you in the dark.  I can only think of horrible scenarios that could have happened and I really pray that none of those did. Although if they did maybe he’ll get clean? But I doubt it.

Okay, onto something else, apparently I have sprained excuse me I haven’t sprained, I have fractured my wrist and  my knee. Happy joy joy. No wonder I’m in so much pain.

I sure hope I can heal by May. I have a trip planner and I really want to go.

 

*D. has been arrested once again for graffiti and should be out, next week. I pray his mom, or someone, has the dog

Left Hand Post

I am actually going to talk/ type this one because I can only use my left hand.

While at Lowe’s last Sunday with my handyman, we were looking at a toilet on a platform, the toilet had all the bells and whistles and it only took about half the platform. So, as I turned to walk away, I tripped over the edge of the platform and landed on hands and knees on the cement in the store. Luckily, my handyman and friend is really smart and had the store call the ambulance.

The store manager actually offered to sell the toilet to me with free shipping. This was an $800 toilet! If he didn’t want to pay my medical, he should have offered me a free toilet and shipping.

Anyway I spent almost the whole day in the emergency room and my right wrist / hand is really bruised like I can hardly move it plus, my right knee is super bruised and I am just today starting to be able to walk on it again. I will be seeing a hand specialist once I get a referral from my doctor and am waiting for the store to call me back to take care of my medical bills.

In the meantime, I am back at Crazies house and she is helping me out. As soon as I am able to walk, I want to move into my new condo.

A miracle did come out of this though, I finally had a phone conversation with my sister after 7 years of not speaking. She got concerned when she found out I fell and she sent me a text so I called her.

I shared the news on Instagram and all my ex-husband could say was “Bummer”. I don’t know how to feel about us anymore. I still feel really sad about the whole situation. He has embraced his old life again doing graffiti legally and illegally and drinking and smoking marijuana and I don’t know what else and I hate to see him like this. This was the man I wanted for my soulmate and I really thought God had put us together. I am not sure what lesson God is teaching either of us right now but D. had everything. A house, some animals, and a loving wife.

I just continue to pray that he cleans up before it is too late. Maybe it will be too late for us but, it’s never too late for him.

Feelings

It’s  2:40 a.m and I am awake and eating candy.  That’s because I have been falling asleep around 7 or 8 at latest while here.

Tonight will be my last night at Crazy’s as,Monday, the last of my furniture will be delivered and we will sneak in the cats.  I guess I am allowed two and there is one nosy neighbor below me who used to be on the board so I will have to keep her out!

I have been keeping up with D. on Instagram and as much as I love him, he looks really sick.  He is losing way to much weight and saying things as if he likes life in the Hood again.  I don’t want to admit it was the right decision.  He made me do what I had to because he prefers to be an Addict.  I will continue to pray for him, forever as I move a head.  I may start seeing a Therapist as well, for this.

I think I may be getting sick which wouldn’t surprise me.  Finding a home has been stressful as has, staying here.  I really do appreciate Crazy’s help, though.  Although it didn’t actually save me money.  But, it did keep my little family together and the cats love their Aunt.

Okay, now it’s almost 3 so I am going back to sleep for a few.

Happy Sunday

 

 

Complaint Update

Life can be extremely difficult sometimes. .explaining how you feel,  trying for tough love, wanting someone you love to leave because they have changed to someone you don’t know and can’t communicate with anymore.

  We cannot talk civilly when he is on Drugs;  which is most all the time now.  His friend is lying to hum about dates and times of the apartment being available and he doesn’t see it or care.
I am giving him my puppy before it kills one of the cats.  I believe Bruno to be a possible Hunting Breed and it’s seriously not working. 

My financial situation is bleak and I have Migraine Headaches for 5 straight days
  Medication is expensive and I don’t know if I can afford it.