My prompt for today is; Drawing The Line.
I know there are various interpretations of this but, I am going to address the one that totally affected my life.
My first major boyfriend was a drug addict. Mainly Crystal Meth. He never had money, slept constantly, was not responsible and we always had to go out in a group. He also introduced me to a horrible sex act that was definitely not pleasant or comfortable and one I would not ever care to repeat. But, I digress.
After dating him and dating another druggie; I decidef I was not going to marry one.
I met my last husband at church. D. was pretty much perfect. He didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs and we prayed over all major decisions. We hadn’t been married a year when he opened the door to allow Marijuana into our lives. He changef then, and became mean and lazy.
I had already made the decision that being married to a Druggie was not acceptable. I gave him an ultimatum.. Get Help or Get Out! Those that have followed my blog know the outcome. Our marriage ended. His choice.
You see, he never came forth with his past history. He had a history with drug addiction.
Drawing The Line on what is acceptable. It’s very tough but doable, and rigjt, in the long run.
It’s 11p.m and the fireworks haven’t stopped so on that note, Happy 4th All! Join me in being thankful for our freedom.
I am going to continue a bit with my Metaphor post now, which won’t be easy. I have done it and opened the door again. Not all the way but, he can get his foot in and I can hear his words. They are normal, friendly words..”How are you? What are you doing today? etc..
Here’s the issue: Can we be friends? Is this what I really want? I don’t know the answer but, hearing his voice or reading his texts takes me back..to the time when we first dated and talked long into the night, hearing stories about the dog reminds me of when I adopted the puppy and how sad I felt at almost having to take him back. When we do talk, he and I, it is awkward. I don’t want to share where I moved and I am still not ready to date anyone. I guess sometimes his texts annoy me now since I am trying so hard to focus on me.
D, if you are reading this. I hate to hurt you again. But, please don’t text for a while and I won’t call. Let’s cut it off entirely and take some time..to figure out who we really are as individuals. Only God knows if our paths will intersect again, and what happens then.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.
D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while.
He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed. He did not go to actual recovery though. That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.
I am feeling a bit better. I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.
I am an Idiot!
I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend
. This is killing me.
As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry. I don’t know how to handle this.
People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.
I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now. Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.
I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.
My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
Church was rough last night. It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.
I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified. They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others. Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same. Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.
I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day. I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First. But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!
How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness! How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me! How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction!
When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end? Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.