My Heart At Peace

After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.

The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction.  The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.

The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.

So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.

My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.

Different Outlook

I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go.  It’s like wanting something you can’t have.  Once you get it back, it’s not the same.  I am going to write a Pro/Con list also.  I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.

I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win.  I am okay and at peace now.  I am done.

Friends?

D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while. 

 He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed.  He did not go to actual recovery though.  That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.

I am feeling a bit better.  I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.

Truth Hurts

I am an Idiot!

  I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend

. This is killing me.

  As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry.  I don’t know how to handle this. 

  People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.

  I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now.  Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.

  I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.

My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley

Church Service Generated Emotions

Church was rough last night.  It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.

 I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified.  They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others.  Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same.  Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.  

 I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day.  I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First.   But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!  

How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness!  How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me!  How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction! 

 When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end?  Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.

checking Him Out

I have come to the realization that if I become interested in a man again, I will need to do a background check before getting serious.  I have serious trust issues now.

I have been talking to my Therapist on Talkspace and it is going well.  I realize that neither of my failed marriages were my fault.  I cannot or could not help my health issues which my 1st husband knew about. Truth is, he wanted to fool around and wasn’t happy being married.  As for my 2nf marriage/Annulment. We got married on a lie or at least an omission.  By not telling me his history, D. opened the door to go back to his old life and for me to react the way I did.  I have nothing to be guilty for in either ending.

It’s difficult. Being alone, at my age. Crazy and I keep watching reruns of The Golden Girls.

When it comes to sex, although I miss the amazing sex I had with D.; I’ve got it covered.  I invested in a Toy with 7 speeds. Not the same, but satisfactory, and I don’t have to worry about diseases.

 

Hearing News About D.

One of my friends is a friend of one of D’s friends. We got into a discussion today about a Facebook comment that’s going around and it says ‘Would You Marry the one you last kissed and Would you be happy?’ Well, I responded to that ;that I did and I was until everything went haywire. 

So, we got in this discussion about D. And I made the comment that I don’t think he is screwing around or in another relationship because he had told me he wasn’t going to do that. Well, she exclaimed, “What? He is having Flings with lots of different women!”. 

Apparently, she was informed that he is not doing well. He is all doped out all the time and is having Flings with a lot of different women. She has known this for a while, but didn’t tell me until today when the subject was brought up. So she said she is moving on and I needs to the same. 

 I know I need to do the same but this is the man I love that I am talking about and this is totally freaking hard. I mean, I guess I should be happy that he’s happy and he’s moved on, but I don’t believe he is really happy.  He didn’t want to have a bunch of Flings with other women. And I don’t know how he could be happy after taking a huge and I mean huge step backwards into the drug scene.  I can only imagine him losing his apartment and living with the dog in one of his tunnels he lived in before.  

I desperately need to see a Therapist.  Tomorrow, I am going to call and schedule an appointment.. hopefully for next week. 

 When my friend told me this earlier today, I felt my heart rip!