My Vacation Back Home

I am on vacation and I can’t sleep. Plus, I can’t say why.  Although, nobody knows me; I do not want to be judged for my life choices and until I seriously figure out what I want, I can’t share them.

I have been having a good time so far and tomorrow (today) I am going to Knott’s Berry Farm and seeing my cat tomorrow night.  I’m beginning to think I should have stayed longer since I won’t have time to see everyone I planned. But, that is out of the question, financially.

It’s a bit weird staying with a family but everyone is super nice and make me feel like I am part of it.

I Hate Good-Bye

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.  

D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them.  He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears.  He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other.  I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.  

I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart!  I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.

I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate.  I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:

I can’t.  I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!   

God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future.  It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility.  I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.

Tomorrow, I go to California.  I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here.  When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.

I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it.  After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.

I Can Go My Own Way

I have said it before and I need to say it again.  I am Single and alone.  I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D.  The more I hear, the worse his past and present is.  The more, the deception is clear.  The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be.  The stronger the heartache.  The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.

I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.

I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.

Here’s a funny short true story.  So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats.  She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me!  Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.

Hearing News About D.

One of my friends is a friend of one of D’s friends. We got into a discussion today about a Facebook comment that’s going around and it says ‘Would You Marry the one you last kissed and Would you be happy?’ Well, I responded to that ;that I did and I was until everything went haywire. 

So, we got in this discussion about D. And I made the comment that I don’t think he is screwing around or in another relationship because he had told me he wasn’t going to do that. Well, she exclaimed, “What? He is having Flings with lots of different women!”. 

Apparently, she was informed that he is not doing well. He is all doped out all the time and is having Flings with a lot of different women. She has known this for a while, but didn’t tell me until today when the subject was brought up. So she said she is moving on and I needs to the same. 

 I know I need to do the same but this is the man I love that I am talking about and this is totally freaking hard. I mean, I guess I should be happy that he’s happy and he’s moved on, but I don’t believe he is really happy.  He didn’t want to have a bunch of Flings with other women. And I don’t know how he could be happy after taking a huge and I mean huge step backwards into the drug scene.  I can only imagine him losing his apartment and living with the dog in one of his tunnels he lived in before.  

I desperately need to see a Therapist.  Tomorrow, I am going to call and schedule an appointment.. hopefully for next week. 

 When my friend told me this earlier today, I felt my heart rip!

Crazy’s Drama

Yesterday was extremely rough for Crazy. Her Ex-Husband has started drinking again and when he drinks, he gets mean and calls her names.  This is the main reason their marriage ended. 

Within the passed few months, he has been using her anyway while supposedly saving money to move.  On Sunday, Crazy watched him spend every cent he made, plus more, on junk.  He was drunk all day while at the Swap Meet to sell his stuff.  

Yesterday, she finally ended it and got all her stuff out of his place.  After which, he proceeded to call her a Thief and lay guilt on her by calling while drunk and calling her names every few hours. 

 In one of his last calls, he said he is going to leave today.  I seriously hope he does.

  It will be hard for Crazy but she already see’s a Therapist and we are both supporting each other. 

 As of yesterday, it is completely official. I am back to my Maiden Name.  I am also being referred to a possible Therapist soon. 

Healing

I am going to see a new Hand Doctor today. The last one I saw was horrible. He had no bedside manner, no sense of humor and. no personality at all.  He gave me Prednisone and when my hand blew up 3 times the size of my normal hand he only said “well that doesn’t usually happen so fast, just elevate it  and get some rest.” I was in so much pain there was no way. So, I call Lyft and went to the emergency room.  I was there for 5 hours. But they finally got the pain to lessen. Needless to say I am not going back to him.  Wish me luck with this  new one

My knee is healing well and I should be out of my brace by the 28th. This brace is a heavy pain to carry around but it is helping my knee stay in place.

I have started the process of slowly getting my house to where I want it. I love the views from here.

I went to the Social Security Office and finally started the process of changing my name back to my maiden name. 

 I think I have put that off for a few reasons. I think I really wanted him to change and come back but that isn’t happening and I am going on. I don’t want to be attached to someone who is continually getting himself in legal trouble. The last day will be the DMV and I will be completely free. The other reason I haven’t done this for a while, is because I got hurt. It’s hard to get out do anything.

Finally, everyday I play my favorite song pretty much morning and night. 

 Kelly Clarkston, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..

 It’s my theme song for this year