I am angry at myself for opening the door again. I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision. On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track. I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key. I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.
Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people. We can say again and again thatt we are but;
Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.
D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them. He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears. He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other. I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.
I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart! I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.
I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate. I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:
I can’t. I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!
God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future. It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility. I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.
Tomorrow, I go to California. I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here. When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.
I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it. After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.
I have to wonder if they teach the same series in different churches at different or even the same times.
My church ended a series on relationships. It always made me think of D. and tonight was no exception. He talked about people coming into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He also talked about how a relationship/marriage needs to be cultivated to bear fruit or die. Both, Crazy and I, thought about our Exes. When someone gives up, the marriage/relationship will wither or die.
I cannot regret what I believe was the right decision. I do regret that D’s behavior forced me to follow through.
The other hard part is that God did not make us to be alone, yet, quite a few of us are and not by our own choice.
In other news, we took Monkey to the vet for a nail trim but she turned wild again so it’s been recommended to have a mobile vet come to her. She was even given something to calm her but, it wore off to quickly.
This proud Vegetarian is a cheater and I feel awful about it! I have been eating Chicken! I know what happens to chickens to make them so juicy and I woke up an hour ago feeling completely disgusted with myself.
Please forgive me as I eliminate that crap from my diet, again.
Its a new day and I have decided to do things the correct way.
I had a really bad night and I woke up seeing a lot more clearly, I should say seeing things a lot more clearly.
Nobody ever got back to me about the dog and you know what? They don’t have to. It was D’ responsibility when he took the dog. I really don’t think that he let at dog starve. I’m sure somebody has that dog and the dog is fine; and you know what? even if not, this is not my business. I have the cats and even though if the shoe was on the other foot and he asked my relatives if the cats were at least okay I would want my relatives and friends to say yes, His family and friends don’t have to respond that way, they don’t have to respond at all. Apparently you know they think I’m probably the witch that made him go downhill,which we all know isn’t true.
Anyway I have decided. I am giving this all to God. I am not going to write any more about how much I love him and how sad things are. Because he’s the one that made this choice. He is responsible for his actions and I am responsible for mine. I am no longer going to stress out over things that I have absolutely no control of. I am going to enjoy my new condo and I am going to work on getting healthier.
Last night, was horrible and this morning was even worse. I am stressing myself out over things that are Beyond anything I can do.
So I’m done I’m done stressing over stupid stuff. I’m done cryingover an ex-husband who technically isn’t even an an ex since I got an annulment, I’m done worrying over a dog that isn’t mine because I gave D, gave him not loaned him, gave him, said dog so he is responsible for the dog.
My goal now is to get healthy and to get my life back on track. Any motivational words comments, etc. are appreciated.
So look out, because you may be reading some totally different post’s!