I Hate Good-Bye

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.  

D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them.  He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears.  He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other.  I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.  

I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart!  I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.

I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate.  I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:

I can’t.  I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!   

God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future.  It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility.  I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.

Tomorrow, I go to California.  I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here.  When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.

I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it.  After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.

Awake With Headache

It’s 1:30 a.m and I am awake.  Sometimes I wonder if I wake up  or even go to sleep with a headache just because I have my meds refilled now. Like, it’s subconscious or something.  Anyway, I am trying to avoid the strong stuff now and took Tylenol Extra Strength this time.

A few days ago, getting a refill of my Imatrex was hell.  I am between doctors and the doctor I am seeing refused to refill it.  I went to Urgent Care who wouldn’t help me, then finally went to emergency where I got help.  I had to call Crazy at 3 am to come over to help.

Anyway, now that my name is officially changed, I am going to choose a new doctor.

I have a few more topics to discuss since it’s been a busy week, but, need more sleep first. So, stay tuned.

 

Migraine Medication

Today I want to talk about you at Imatrex;  the medication I take for my migraines.

 This medication really works. Sometimes it takes a little bit, but it does work. Oh my gosh,I just took my last one (which means of course now I’m going to have to pray that I can get a refill) but, this is the first one I think I have gotten this month.

 I give myself an injection of Imitrex in my thigh or upper leg. I have my friend put it together ahead of time so I don’t have to call her to come over. I can start doing it soon but my hand is still really, really sore.

 Anyway, when I give myself an injection of Imitrex, I can feel the hot liquid hitting every pain point. I mean every one; if you have a sunburn but you forgot about, this medication is going to hit it and it is going to burn. So, you can feel the medication working and after it goes all the way  through your bloodstream and hits all your pain points, of course including your brain, then you need to sleep it off for about 3 hours. When you wake up  either the headache is gone or at least it’s bearable to where you can take some Tylenol. 

I just ordered something else for migraines called Migraine Stop. Apparently, this has a mixture of Magnesium, Zinc, etc.  It is all natural, which is supposed to stop the migraines or at least cut down the duration. It has really good reviews, so I’m going to try it.

 Just wanted to to check in and share my migraine medication.

Sad Financial Situation

The last time I was in a financial situation like I am now;  was when I was in my 20’s and supporting a drug – addict boyfriend. 
      I should be a lot further along now,  even if I am on Disability.   But,  things just keep coming.

My car is in the shop again and it still goes back to the shop that messed it up.  I will definitely be filing a Lawsuit when it’s fixed. 

I really wanted to visit family for Thanksgiving,  but,  can’t afford it. 

Totally looking forward to selling my house, for a Townhouse, cheaper then this place so I will be able to rebuild my bank account and pay bills.

Complaint Update

Life can be extremely difficult sometimes. .explaining how you feel,  trying for tough love, wanting someone you love to leave because they have changed to someone you don’t know and can’t communicate with anymore.

  We cannot talk civilly when he is on Drugs;  which is most all the time now.  His friend is lying to hum about dates and times of the apartment being available and he doesn’t see it or care.
I am giving him my puppy before it kills one of the cats.  I believe Bruno to be a possible Hunting Breed and it’s seriously not working. 

My financial situation is bleak and I have Migraine Headaches for 5 straight days
  Medication is expensive and I don’t know if I can afford it.

Marijuana Thoughts

When I was in my 20’s and used to party.  I would drink,  get silly,  vomit and go to sleep.   I always remembered what happened the night before.   I have only tried drugs a few times and it was the same drug.

   When I tried Marijuana the first time,  nothing happened and I was told it was a bad batch.   Recently,  when I tried again for Migraines (which is what spiral ed out of control and into our downfall in marriage) it not only made my headaches worse, but made me feel silly,  scared and sick.  The smell itself is sickening and with my low immune system,  I should not only not be doing it, I also,  should not have it around me.

Disgusting Choices Make Annulment Easy

Yesterday,  D came home totally stoned.   Then, he even went to his car and had more.   I think it is sad and incredibly disgusting.

   He tells me he loves me,  but, I don’t respond anymore.   I hate this downward spiral he has chosen and since he isn’t trying to change,  his love for me is not real.

  I can honestly say,  I am actually looking forward to him moving out.   I just hope we don’t have another fight.   He signed a contract stating on or before the 1st and he is already trying to swing it for a few more days.

I also had major car drama,  yesterday.   But,  I will get into that,  another time.