I am angry at myself for opening the door again. I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision. On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track. I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key. I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.
Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people. We can say again and again thatt we are but;
Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.
Church was awesome tonight! About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.
It made me wonder, though. When D and I were together, we prayed over everything. How was our desire so wrong? Or was it?
God gave us each other but it didn’t last. I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.
I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy. He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t. Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons. He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true. He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money. This angers me. I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt. I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again. I also need to seriously pray.
Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things. I am not sure God wants me with D. again. My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,
As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer. I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.
Which brings me back to my original question; How were we both so wrong?
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.
D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them. He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears. He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other. I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.
I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart! I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.
I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate. I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:
I can’t. I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!
God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future. It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility. I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.
Tomorrow, I go to California. I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here. When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.
I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it. After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.
I have to wonder if they teach the same series in different churches at different or even the same times.
My church ended a series on relationships. It always made me think of D. and tonight was no exception. He talked about people coming into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He also talked about how a relationship/marriage needs to be cultivated to bear fruit or die. Both, Crazy and I, thought about our Exes. When someone gives up, the marriage/relationship will wither or die.
I cannot regret what I believe was the right decision. I do regret that D’s behavior forced me to follow through.
The other hard part is that God did not make us to be alone, yet, quite a few of us are and not by our own choice.
In other news, we took Monkey to the vet for a nail trim but she turned wild again so it’s been recommended to have a mobile vet come to her. She was even given something to calm her but, it wore off to quickly.
I have said it before and I need to say it again. I am Single and alone. I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D. The more I hear, the worse his past and present is. The more, the deception is clear. The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be. The stronger the heartache. The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.
I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.
I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.
Here’s a funny short true story. So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats. She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me! Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.