Yesterday, the handyman came to finish the house. I have been using him for years and he does a great job, although, a bit flaky. Well, he left for a while and let his brother and sister-in-law do the work. I have had them help before…Let’s just say, it was a bad experience. They showed up around noon and were here til 10:30 painting and yakking with each other and on their cell phones. Needless to say, my handyman has to come back and double check and fix their mistakes tonight after he works.
On another topic, I can’t help but wonder how D really feels about my move. I know I shouldn’t care and I refuse to make contact. He put “like” on my friends Facebook page, but I know him. I remember the last time I moved, he said he was afraid I would up and move to AZ without telling him; so I made sure Crazy posted it on Facebook this time. I know he will be alone now, but, it’s time he becomes the man he is meant to be. I will continue to pray he gets back on the right track. I am becoming free of him and his crap, by moving away.
I HATE Ants! This house is infested. I hope they aren’t getting into my moving boxes. I am looking for natural ways to tackle this.
It’s 11p.m and the fireworks haven’t stopped so on that note, Happy 4th All! Join me in being thankful for our freedom.
I am going to continue a bit with my Metaphor post now, which won’t be easy. I have done it and opened the door again. Not all the way but, he can get his foot in and I can hear his words. They are normal, friendly words..”How are you? What are you doing today? etc..
Here’s the issue: Can we be friends? Is this what I really want? I don’t know the answer but, hearing his voice or reading his texts takes me back..to the time when we first dated and talked long into the night, hearing stories about the dog reminds me of when I adopted the puppy and how sad I felt at almost having to take him back. When we do talk, he and I, it is awkward. I don’t want to share where I moved and I am still not ready to date anyone. I guess sometimes his texts annoy me now since I am trying so hard to focus on me.
D, if you are reading this. I hate to hurt you again. But, please don’t text for a while and I won’t call. Let’s cut it off entirely and take some time..to figure out who we really are as individuals. Only God knows if our paths will intersect again, and what happens then.
I am angry at myself for opening the door again. I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision. On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track. I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key. I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.
Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people. We can say again and again thatt we are but;
Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.
Church was awesome tonight! About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.
It made me wonder, though. When D and I were together, we prayed over everything. How was our desire so wrong? Or was it?
God gave us each other but it didn’t last. I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.
I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy. He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t. Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons. He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true. He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money. This angers me. I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt. I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again. I also need to seriously pray.
Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things. I am not sure God wants me with D. again. My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,
As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer. I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.
Which brings me back to my original question; How were we both so wrong?
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.
D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them. He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears. He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other. I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.
I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart! I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.
I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate. I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:
I can’t. I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!
God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future. It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility. I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.
Tomorrow, I go to California. I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here. When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.
I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it. After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.