I am an Idiot!
I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend
. This is killing me.
As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry. I don’t know how to handle this.
People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.
I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now. Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.
I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.
My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
People with chronic illness physical or mental, know to be thankful for good days. Well, I suppose we should be thankful for bad ones too.
Today is one of those for me. I am headachy with chills and minor vomiting. I am also depressed over how life has gone. Today would have been my Anniversary to my 1st husband. The one I just spent time with on Monday. I had not believed in Divorce before him and the pain was immense. I wonder if subconsciously that contributes to my being sick today.
I am still thankful for today. There are a lot of people that don’t have a warm bed to lay in when sick or proper food to eat. I will get through this with faith and rest today.
I don’t know how many of you have heard of this, but, I love making shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. It’s a project of Samaritans Purse started by Billy Graham’s son, Franklin. Shoeboxes are sent to the poorest parts of the world to children at Christmas, or local children after catastrophes like Hurricane, Tornado, etc. along with the gospel to introduce them to Jesus. For more info;/you can google the website.
Anyway, I was thinking of a way to make my shoe box more personal so Crazy and I tried Ty Dye. It was a lot pf fun and we are going to start making bigger batches of children’s shirts to go in shoeboxes. We also bought and colored some ornaments for the boxes, as well.
Spent all day Monday (after doctor) at Social Security Office and yesterday, at DMV changing everything back to my Maiden Name. Today, I will continue with the bank, etc.
How do I feel? Well, I held off as long as I could. There is no point in going over how much I want him to get help. I want to cry since it is cleansing yet… I know God is with me and I did what I had to do.
Do I still love him? Yes, at the moment but I don’t love his stupid choices or the fact he gave up our Marriage to play with drugs and illegal graffiti. He was starting to take off with selling his artwork and I was proud of him!
What now? I keep going forward. I work on healing physicals and emotionally. I get closer to God. I continue to pray for D and work on losing the obsession. I am not looking for anyone. I get to know me, again.
Too Much, Too Little, Too Late
* The sickness was side effects from my meds.
Its a new day and I have decided to do things the correct way.
I had a really bad night and I woke up seeing a lot more clearly, I should say seeing things a lot more clearly.
Nobody ever got back to me about the dog and you know what? They don’t have to. It was D’ responsibility when he took the dog. I really don’t think that he let at dog starve. I’m sure somebody has that dog and the dog is fine; and you know what? even if not, this is not my business. I have the cats and even though if the shoe was on the other foot and he asked my relatives if the cats were at least okay I would want my relatives and friends to say yes, His family and friends don’t have to respond that way, they don’t have to respond at all. Apparently you know they think I’m probably the witch that made him go downhill,which we all know isn’t true.
Anyway I have decided. I am giving this all to God. I am not going to write any more about how much I love him and how sad things are. Because he’s the one that made this choice. He is responsible for his actions and I am responsible for mine. I am no longer going to stress out over things that I have absolutely no control of. I am going to enjoy my new condo and I am going to work on getting healthier.
Last night, was horrible and this morning was even worse. I am stressing myself out over things that are Beyond anything I can do.
So I’m done I’m done stressing over stupid stuff. I’m done cryingover an ex-husband who technically isn’t even an an ex since I got an annulment, I’m done worrying over a dog that isn’t mine because I gave D, gave him not loaned him, gave him, said dog so he is responsible for the dog.
My goal now is to get healthy and to get my life back on track. Any motivational words comments, etc. are appreciated.
So look out, because you may be reading some totally different post’s!
Today was weird.
I took the day for myself and didn’t talk to people (except 2). I spent a lot of time crying, thinking and praying. I refuse to stop the annulment. He needs to be on his own and be responsible. But, as time gets closer I am so scared of losing him forever.
We are still friends now, but it is so damn hard.
Why won’t he stop the drugs and get clean? He had been clean for two years before we met. I need him to clean up because he wants to and prove he can stay that way. I need to put this in God’s hands because only God knows what happens next.
I still love my husband and in my heart I always will. Maybe, this will be a learning experience, maybe, D. Will open his eyes and decide what is most important to him, maybe, God will bring us back together in a few years, or maybe not.
I want to stay friends through this. I am sad the way this is ending. But, I think we both need to find ourselves again. This is just not the time to be married to each other.
We got married quickly and the actual marriage was rushed even sooner due to unexpected circumstances. We only knew each other for 6 months prior. I know God works in his own time and God has told me, it’s time for a serious break. If this relationship was really God’s Will, it will happen again. If not, we will be led in other directions.
I am giving my 10 year old cat back to her daddy. My Ex – Husband. That hurts too. I feel it is best for her since she does not really like the other cats and cannot be the only cat here. He has a condo and she will rule it. We will keep in touch with pictures and videos of the cat and dog.
As soon as this life chapter closes, I can fix up the house and move closer to my friend, Keb, so we can hang out more. I will find another church where I am comfortable and go from there.