My Heart At Peace

After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.

The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction.  The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.

The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.

So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.

My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.

Friends?

D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while. 

 He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed.  He did not go to actual recovery though.  That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.

I am feeling a bit better.  I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.

Stress = Sick

This morning I woke up with a score throat, cough and just feeling blah.

I think I know why.  Aside from the sudden weather change, I am depressed.

Saturday is the day two years ago that D and I got married.  The day the church called giving us the choice between really tough options, the night I cried in my husband’s arms because our wedding was taken away.

It was a sad beginning of a marriage with an even sadder ending

Church Service Generated Emotions

Church was rough last night.  It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.

 I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified.  They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others.  Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same.  Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.  

 I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day.  I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First.   But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!  

How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness!  How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me!  How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction! 

 When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end?  Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.

I Can Go My Own Way

I have said it before and I need to say it again.  I am Single and alone.  I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D.  The more I hear, the worse his past and present is.  The more, the deception is clear.  The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be.  The stronger the heartache.  The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.

I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.

I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.

Here’s a funny short true story.  So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats.  She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me!  Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.

checking Him Out

I have come to the realization that if I become interested in a man again, I will need to do a background check before getting serious.  I have serious trust issues now.

I have been talking to my Therapist on Talkspace and it is going well.  I realize that neither of my failed marriages were my fault.  I cannot or could not help my health issues which my 1st husband knew about. Truth is, he wanted to fool around and wasn’t happy being married.  As for my 2nf marriage/Annulment. We got married on a lie or at least an omission.  By not telling me his history, D. opened the door to go back to his old life and for me to react the way I did.  I have nothing to be guilty for in either ending.

It’s difficult. Being alone, at my age. Crazy and I keep watching reruns of The Golden Girls.

When it comes to sex, although I miss the amazing sex I had with D.; I’ve got it covered.  I invested in a Toy with 7 speeds. Not the same, but satisfactory, and I don’t have to worry about diseases.

 

Facebook Memories

Do you ever want to just turn off the Facebook memories feature? 

Yesterday.. two years ago, was one of the best days of my life. That was the day that D asked me to marry him. That was the day that we announced our engagement. I remember how happy I was then, thinking that I found my Soulmate. 

Needless to say after that memory came up, my stress level went way up and two hours ago I woke up at 12:30  with a horrible migraine.  I take Imitrex for my migraines, however, they only give me so many a month. I beg for more, and now I’m paying like $100 for two shots which, out of the two shots this time, only one decided to work and it was the second one. Anyway at least I got that one to work and I’m going to try to go back to sleep.

 I just wanted to update.  I am really trying to take things one day at a time. I am really trying to look at my life optimistically.

 Hey one thing optimistic, is that my leg brace is coming off in three days.

 Till next time