D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while.
He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed. He did not go to actual recovery though. That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.
I am feeling a bit better. I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.
I am an Idiot!
I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend
. This is killing me.
As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry. I don’t know how to handle this.
People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.
I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now. Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.
I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.
My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
They say that dreams can affect or stem from your subconscious. Well lately, I keep dreaming of D.
In one dream recently, He Cleaned Up! He decided our future was worth more than his drugs or alcohol. I woke up with tears because his touch had been so vivid and I really wanted it to be true. Then, Reality hit me in the head with the reasons we are both alone.
My emotions have been up and down lately, and I wonder if he ever reads this.
I will never stop praying for the man who I fell in love with I had to let him go for my own good and his too.
If you love someone.
Set them free.
If they come back to you
They’re yours (the person they were)
If they don’t
It was never meant to be.
The Condo should close by Friday. I am both nervous and ready. I can only post pics of the inside on Facebook because I don’t want D. to know where I moved. And we have mutual Facebook Friends.
Crazy was really nice for letting us stay here but this place is really small and cramped so she needs her space back soon. Plus, all the cats are getting tired of this adventure.
I have been having weird dreams lately which could be caused by my headache pills. But, they are vivid enough that I wake up from a sound sleep. In my dream last night, D’s mom and I were talking and she told me he was back with some druggy girlfriend he had dated in the past. It was all very odd.
Happy New Year.
I enter 2017 with the theme song,
Try It On My Own by Whitney Houston.
I am doing my best to keep positive while moving forward but it is difficult.
I still love D. and pray continually for him to get help. We cannot communicate because he continually wants to feel sorry for himself and tell me how hurt I made him. That doesn’t help or change anything.
I need to be moved out, tomorrow and will be staying with Crazy for a few days. I am really not looking forward to it and will probably check the price of the weekly motel near her while there. Right now, everywhere is full due to New Years.
The first two places I liked fell through so I am now waiting…since I pretty much know where I want.
I wish you all a great year!
I do not make Resolutions but, I would love to hear of any you made.
Yesterday, D came home totally stoned. Then, he even went to his car and had more. I think it is sad and incredibly disgusting.
He tells me he loves me, but, I don’t respond anymore. I hate this downward spiral he has chosen and since he isn’t trying to change, his love for me is not real.
I can honestly say, I am actually looking forward to him moving out. I just hope we don’t have another fight. He signed a contract stating on or before the 1st and he is already trying to swing it for a few more days.
I also had major car drama, yesterday. But, I will get into that, another time.
My husband is a Graffiti Artist ; yet he views Love in black and white. Either I don’t or do love him. I tried to explain that I will always have some love for him, but not as a relationship. I don’t understand what is so confusing.
Feeling blah today with a sore throat and cough so, may just lay around and rest.