Clearer Thinking and Time

Church was awesome tonight!  About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.

It made me wonder, though.  When D and I were together,  we prayed over everything.  How was our desire so wrong?  Or was it?

God gave us each other but it didn’t last.  I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.

I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy.  He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t.  Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons.  He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true.  He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money.  This angers me.  I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt.  I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again.  I also need to seriously pray.

Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things.    I am not sure God wants me with D. again.  My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,

As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer.  I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.

Which brings me back to my original question;  How were we both so wrong?

My Vacation Back Home

I am on vacation and I can’t sleep. Plus, I can’t say why.  Although, nobody knows me; I do not want to be judged for my life choices and until I seriously figure out what I want, I can’t share them.

I have been having a good time so far and tomorrow (today) I am going to Knott’s Berry Farm and seeing my cat tomorrow night.  I’m beginning to think I should have stayed longer since I won’t have time to see everyone I planned. But, that is out of the question, financially.

It’s a bit weird staying with a family but everyone is super nice and make me feel like I am part of it.

Stress = Sick

This morning I woke up with a score throat, cough and just feeling blah.

I think I know why.  Aside from the sudden weather change, I am depressed.

Saturday is the day two years ago that D and I got married.  The day the church called giving us the choice between really tough options, the night I cried in my husband’s arms because our wedding was taken away.

It was a sad beginning of a marriage with an even sadder ending

I Can Go My Own Way

I have said it before and I need to say it again.  I am Single and alone.  I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D.  The more I hear, the worse his past and present is.  The more, the deception is clear.  The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be.  The stronger the heartache.  The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.

I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.

I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.

Here’s a funny short true story.  So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats.  She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me!  Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.

Mental Mothers Day

So, there I was standing in church listening to the music; watching a couple with their arms around each othet sneaking a kiss..and thinking of D.  The last time I was in a church at Mother’s Day, we were together with his mother. 

 People cry at our church because the service gets emotional. Noone knew if my tears were from the singing, the memories of my mothet, or something else.

Upon leaving church, we ran into an acquaintance from our old church.  I tell him what happened with D. and I.  He asks, “Oh, Is he doing Meth again?”. My heart dropped.  I learn D. has been addicted to Meth and other things.Why does it not make it easier to let my memories go and move on?

There was an Alter Call for Mother’s at church so Crazy and I joined. It was a bit uncomfortable for a minute but, I am not going to be excluded from celabraons of Mother’s just because my children aren’t  human.  I still feed,clean,play with and diclipline my fur children and it is not my fault I am unable to have human ones.

I hope you all had a Happy Mother’s Day!