I have had a headache for the last 4 days and nothing is touching it. Grrr
D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while.
He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed. He did not go to actual recovery though. That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.
I am feeling a bit better. I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.
I am an Idiot!
I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend
. This is killing me.
As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry. I don’t know how to handle this.
People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.
I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now. Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.
I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.
My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
This morning I woke up with a score throat, cough and just feeling blah.
I think I know why. Aside from the sudden weather change, I am depressed.
Saturday is the day two years ago that D and I got married. The day the church called giving us the choice between really tough options, the night I cried in my husband’s arms because our wedding was taken away.
It was a sad beginning of a marriage with an even sadder ending
I have to wonder if they teach the same series in different churches at different or even the same times.
My church ended a series on relationships. It always made me think of D. and tonight was no exception. He talked about people coming into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He also talked about how a relationship/marriage needs to be cultivated to bear fruit or die. Both, Crazy and I, thought about our Exes. When someone gives up, the marriage/relationship will wither or die.
I cannot regret what I believe was the right decision. I do regret that D’s behavior forced me to follow through.
The other hard part is that God did not make us to be alone, yet, quite a few of us are and not by our own choice.
In other news, we took Monkey to the vet for a nail trim but she turned wild again so it’s been recommended to have a mobile vet come to her. She was even given something to calm her but, it wore off to quickly.
This was a difficult and amazing week.
Crazy and I went to NIH (National Institute of Health) in Bethesda, Maryland. I am the oldest one with Propionic Acidemia they know of, at age 52, and I volunteered for research. From Tuesday through Friday, they kept us going back and forth to medical appointments and some of the tests were a bit freaky. I did learn that they have discovered two strains of PA and both parents carried a different strain. We stayed at Safra Family Lodge which was really nice after changing the first room. The first floor was overrun with ants. We saw 3 White Tipped Deer, a bunny, and a couple squirrels while there including a black one.
I got to meet people with PA and a Sister Disease; which was cool. Then, we met up with an old friend on Saturday whom I haven’t seen in over 7 years and got to meet my Godson. I held him in my arms when he was a baby but can’t do that, anymore.
We toured Washington DC and walked around the White House, Federal Building, etc. Couldn’t get close to the Monument because of Protesters.
They may want me back again for more research and I told them, Great! If they want to pay, no problem.
Crazy, Me and Rose (it’s a good nickname for her).
Remember with friends:
Make New Friends
But Keep The Old
One Is Silver
And The Other Is Gold
Church was rough last night. It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.
I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified. They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others. Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same. Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.
I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day. I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First. But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!
How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness! How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me! How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction!
When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end? Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.