I am angry at myself for opening the door again. I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision. On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track. I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key. I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.
Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people. We can say again and again thatt we are but;
Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.
I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.
D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them. He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears. He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other. I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.
I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart! I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.
I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate. I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:
I can’t. I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!
God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future. It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility. I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.
Tomorrow, I go to California. I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here. When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.
I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it. After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.
After a lot of prayer, tears, pain,guilt, anger, sadness as well as, communication with him; I can finally say I am at peace with the Annulment and can move forward.
The fact that he lies or makes things up on Facebook and Instagram was enough to sway me this direction. The Pro/Con list, itself ended with a lot more con’s compared to pro’s.
The fact that he stopped drugs cold turkey really does not need to be taken under consideration because he could relapse any time just like he did in our marriage.
So, in conclusion, i am okay and my heart is at peace.
My song for today is; “I Am Woman!” by Helen Reddy.
The Annulment should be finalized in 2 weeks. I just signed the final paper yesterday.
In the meantime, I am letting D. stay here since he has a definite apartment available September 1st. It is a bit difficult though, because he still smokes Marijuana (only out front or in his car) and does some stupid stuff.
I am tired of calling the Cops and D. has agreed to help get the house ready to sell, since I am not charging rent.
Dr. Phil said something truthful yesterday. He said if you don’t get to know yourself, you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else.
My puppy, Bruno, is doing well. He really wants to be friends with his cat sisters but they hiss and smack him because he is so rambunctious.
D. and I talked for 4-5 hours the other night and I explained the Annulment. He even talked to his Pastor about it who said it is okay to do. He is now looking at apartments and hopefully all will be out soon.
In the meantime, the fish are having babies. They had like 100, this time I took my car to the shop to finally get my air fixed. Plus, after being on phone all day yesterday with Century Link and Direct TV; got my monthly bill down by $60. by going with Century Link only; since they have Prism. Also, canceled one of my home warranties because I had two.
I still need to focus on me and my health though; since I am taking care of everything else.
I haven’t lived here in Las Vegas two years yet and I have a gardener so I didn’t know about hot water coming from the hose. My husband had told me to add water to the little pool for our desert Tortoise to rest and drink (see where this is going? )..so I took his suggestions and little T.T. immediately tried to get out. It wasn’t until I put my hand in that I realized how hot it was. I believe that’s what killed my poor Tortoise and I feel bad.
I n other news; I miss the man I married who would hold me in his arms and cuddle. I don’t like the man he has become at all. There is no going back in this separation especially when he is someone I don’t care to get close to.
I don’t believe that stuff but, I wonder if two of the same sign should be together.