I Hate Good-Bye

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.  

D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them.  He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears.  He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other.  I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.  

I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart!  I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.

I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate.  I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:

I can’t.  I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!   

God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future.  It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility.  I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.

Tomorrow, I go to California.  I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here.  When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.

I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it.  After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.

Why I Did It

My husband has convinced himself that the reason I got the Annulment was because I was tired of being married.   That is not true.

I loved my husband and took my marriage vows seriously.

I will admit I went through a confusing phase because D. Is so different from my first husband,  but we passed that and I started going to counseling.  We even discussed Couples Counseling.   Then D. started Marijuana so that option was gone. 

I told him I would not go to counseling with him unless he stopped using and he made his choice.   What is really sad is; he is not only using now but has also added alcoholic beverages to the mix. 

This is not the man I met in the Church Singles Group and fell in love with.

I pray every day for him to clean up, but that is between him and God,  as is the future of us apart or together.

The man I love has chosen a different path which is detrimental to us and possibly him, personally.

I am not happy about my decision but, I believe it is best for both of us.   I am also hurt that I had to go there.

Control. .My Life

I am quite annoyed today as I am trying to help my husband get into an apartment and get his stuff out.
       I am being more then fair since I have changed the date 3 times
     He found two places,  he likes.   A one bedroom where he has already turned the application in and is waiting to hear back,  and a studio that he has not turned the application in, yet. 
     He needs to call the first one to find out what is going on and turn in application for the 2nd.
However,  he started a side job today so doesn’t have a lot of time.
This is what I meant about responsibility and priority.

I have done everything to help this man from packing his stuff to finding an apartment.   I still love him but,  am not his mother!

Marriage Ending Saga

Oh my gosh, Have you ever written an entire post and have it delete? It sucks.

So, I am very comfortable in my decision. D. needs to take responsibility for himself before we ever consider getting back together. Plus, he has chosen his drug over our marriage. I met a man who was clean and a devout Christian not a Druggie. He has changed into someone I don’t know, and wants me to compromise. I refuse to compromise on this issue.
He will hopefully have some money in 2 weeks and I pray he finds a place and picks up his stuff.

I am giving him an awful lot in packing. I ordered new dishes so he can have the old ones. Everything that came from his friends for our wedding goes to him, plus, I am trying to sort most everything evenly.

He is getting advice on Facebook now, but, does not tell them the main issue. Their advice might be way different, if they knew.

Waking Up Scared

Sometimes I wake up scared.  Scared that he might be coming in the house while I am asleep.   The main light was on this morning.  I never fall or stay asleep with that light on, I think there is a new drink in the fridge that is definitely not mine. .

D. If it is you: I need it to STOP!   Playing games and scaring me will not help me change my decision the way you want it to go. It just makes me want to run away sooner.

Last night,  I was upset and doubting my decision.  However,  I know in my heart,  the decision is right. I have gotten stronger and I know;  even you will survive the pain.

Sad Road To Matrimony

Let me tell you a true story about a Maid-of-Honor that ruined the wedding of a Bride by taking her dream of the wedding, and shattering it all!

My Fiancée and I had a date set,  we had a themed planned, his work had approved time off.  Things were running smoothly and on course until:

Back up a bit, please:  My Fiance and I are both Volunteers at our church. She is not. Let’s call her ‘Cruella’.  She attends the church but does not volunteer in the Leader sense of the word.  The church has a policy that you should not be a Leader and knowingly commit sin.  We were living together and therefor committing sin.  Terrible, I know.  While some people did know of this personally due to being friends with us, and it was whispered amongst some (including some of the Pastors in the church), nothing was said aloud, probably due to the fact that we had a date planned and marriage was coming up soon.

Cruella supposedly just learned recently that we were Living Together.  She went on and on about how we were sinning and going against the church.  I kept asking her to let it go.  I told her we were going to be married.  I begged her to let it go..finally to the point of telling her to let it go or she could be out of the wedding.

The next day, we get a phone call from one of the bigger heads of the church (this was yesterday.) Somebody (Gosh, wonder who?) has been calling and complaining about our living situation and the fact that we volunteer.  We have two options.  Either we stop volunteering until we get married, which would have been in August or we get married Right Away!  Right Away?  YES< Tonight!

What a decision.  Volunteering means so much to D.  He is a Greeter, he does Music, and he helps everywhere needed.  I am working with the children now and hoping to become a Teacher!  We had to say Yes.  So, yesterday was spent getting the License and going to three stores to find a ring to fit his finger.  Obviously, not the one he really wants.  We wore our Run DMC outfits because nothing was planned and we got married in a Private Ceremony in the back room by one of the Pastors. After the wedding, we went to a restaurant to celebrate with my friend from church who stood up for me and the guy who videotaped it for us, another friend of ours.

I love D and I am happy to be his wife. But, it wasn’t fair to have been robbed of our ceremony.  None of my family and friends were around to see me get married.  Our wedding night was not spent in a nice, hotel room.  After killing 3 bugs, Poor D. held me in his arms as I cried myself to sleep over this whole, stupid situation and my feelings over Cruella.  If she hadn’t called the church, we would have made it to our wedding ceremony.  D. had never been married.  This wasn’t even a proper elopement.  It was not fair in any shape or form.  I do not blame the church since they have their policies.  I believe they were working with us which is why they tried to ignore it and did not take action until they started receiving phone calls.