I Hate Good-Bye

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.  

D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them.  He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears.  He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other.  I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.  

I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart!  I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.

I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate.  I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:

I can’t.  I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!   

God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future.  It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility.  I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.

Tomorrow, I go to California.  I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here.  When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.

I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it.  After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.

Friends?

D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while. 

 He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed.  He did not go to actual recovery though.  That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.

I am feeling a bit better.  I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.

Truth Hurts

I am an Idiot!

  I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend

. This is killing me.

  As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry.  I don’t know how to handle this. 

  People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.

  I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now.  Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.

  I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.

My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley

Crazy’s Drama

Yesterday was extremely rough for Crazy. Her Ex-Husband has started drinking again and when he drinks, he gets mean and calls her names.  This is the main reason their marriage ended. 

Within the passed few months, he has been using her anyway while supposedly saving money to move.  On Sunday, Crazy watched him spend every cent he made, plus more, on junk.  He was drunk all day while at the Swap Meet to sell his stuff.  

Yesterday, she finally ended it and got all her stuff out of his place.  After which, he proceeded to call her a Thief and lay guilt on her by calling while drunk and calling her names every few hours. 

 In one of his last calls, he said he is going to leave today.  I seriously hope he does.

  It will be hard for Crazy but she already see’s a Therapist and we are both supporting each other. 

 As of yesterday, it is completely official. I am back to my Maiden Name.  I am also being referred to a possible Therapist soon. 

Feelings on New Family Member

When you get married;  you inherit more than a Spouse,  you also get all the parents,  siblings,  etc and their issues as well.  How would you feel if their mental issues escalated after you started dating and got married? 

My MIL is having issues.  The last time this occurred it became a whole drama thing where she said she had been attacked before finally finding out she took to many pills.  Well,  she did it again.

D. told me yesterday that the first time she blamed him afterwards for moving in with me. You see,  she has financial issues now that her Sugar Baby has gone

I don’t know how to feel.  She is the one with the issues but it still hurts,  plus,  we paid half her rent yesterday so she and her roommate don’t get evicted.

Then, after one visit at hospital; we could not understand her plus,  she got mad when I asked her if she knew where she was. So, u upon driving to hospital yesterday,  she refused to see us.

I can’t share these things on Facebook or discuss them with friends so I do so here.

Beardless Shock

Last night was very, very sad and I could not help my reaction.  D. not only shaved off his beautiful Beard but, also his Mustache and all facial hair around them.  I admit, I was in tears and making my sarcastic comments as I told him I need time to get used to this.  The man I fell in love with was rugged with a Beard that got fuller every day.  I loved to pull on that Beard when we kissed and run my fingers through it.  Plus, his hair went with the Beard and now, he will definitely have to get new glasses because the frames just don’t work.

I have mixed emotions about him accepting the first job offered with that clean-shaven requirement, although, I know it is a good job at a hotel.  He told me he is willing to look for another one now that he has one.  One that is okay with him having a Beard.  But, what would he tell them?  This is the Beard I want to re-grow?  Will you allow this in the future?

I sound selfish, but, it is how I feel at the moment. I know relationships are not about looks but when you have been with someone for almost half a year and they suddenly do something like this; it shocks your system.  Especially, when it is not for medical reasons.