It’s 11p.m and the fireworks haven’t stopped so on that note, Happy 4th All! Join me in being thankful for our freedom.
I am going to continue a bit with my Metaphor post now, which won’t be easy. I have done it and opened the door again. Not all the way but, he can get his foot in and I can hear his words. They are normal, friendly words..”How are you? What are you doing today? etc..
Here’s the issue: Can we be friends? Is this what I really want? I don’t know the answer but, hearing his voice or reading his texts takes me back..to the time when we first dated and talked long into the night, hearing stories about the dog reminds me of when I adopted the puppy and how sad I felt at almost having to take him back. When we do talk, he and I, it is awkward. I don’t want to share where I moved and I am still not ready to date anyone. I guess sometimes his texts annoy me now since I am trying so hard to focus on me.
D, if you are reading this. I hate to hurt you again. But, please don’t text for a while and I won’t call. Let’s cut it off entirely and take some time..to figure out who we really are as individuals. Only God knows if our paths will intersect again, and what happens then.
I believe the fact that D. and I are communicating will help me to let go. It’s like wanting something you can’t have. Once you get it back, it’s not the same. I am going to write a Pro/Con list also. I deserve to be treated better and I need to stop settling.
I wrote my Pro/Cin list and Con”s win. I am okay and at peace now. I am done.
D. and I are going to e-mail or text once in a while.
He claims the girl is not a girlfriend and says he quit weed. He did not go to actual recovery though. That bothers me because it’s to easy to relapse again and he has lied about quitting before.
I am feeling a bit better. I am determined to become a better person and open my eyes to reality.
I have to wonder if they teach the same series in different churches at different or even the same times.
My church ended a series on relationships. It always made me think of D. and tonight was no exception. He talked about people coming into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. He also talked about how a relationship/marriage needs to be cultivated to bear fruit or die. Both, Crazy and I, thought about our Exes. When someone gives up, the marriage/relationship will wither or die.
I cannot regret what I believe was the right decision. I do regret that D’s behavior forced me to follow through.
The other hard part is that God did not make us to be alone, yet, quite a few of us are and not by our own choice.
In other news, we took Monkey to the vet for a nail trim but she turned wild again so it’s been recommended to have a mobile vet come to her. She was even given something to calm her but, it wore off to quickly.
Church was rough last night. It brought back memories and feelings I am trying to suppress.
I have a problem with churches telling us to confront a sister/brother in Christ who is sinning and/or to continue until it is rectified. They are creating a world of people who believe they are better then others. Unless, you are talking about The Ten Commandments, what one considers a ‘sin’ is not always the same. Reporting people, can lead to anger and hurt,as well as, stay with someone for a long time.
I really miss D. I seriously wonder how I am doing this every day. I miss our love and the fun we had and I miss how safe I felt…at First. But, I also want to smack the shit out of him!
How dare he put drugs before our marriage and happiness! How dare he omit telling me about some of the lowest times of his life and unlock the door to go back to smoking pot while married to me! How dare he not try to fight to save his marriage when he had the chance and refuse to get help for his addiction!
When will my heart, soul and mind heal?When will this emotional and mental pain end? Just some thoughts that were generated from last nights church service.