Feelings,Nothing More Than Feelings…

It’s 11p.m and the fireworks haven’t stopped so on that note, Happy 4th All!  Join me in being thankful for our freedom.

I am going to continue a bit with my Metaphor post now, which won’t be easy.  I have done it and opened the door again.  Not all the way but, he can get his foot in and I can hear his words.  They are normal, friendly words..”How are you?  What are you doing today? etc..

Here’s the issue:  Can we be friends?  Is this what I really want?  I don’t know the answer but, hearing his voice or reading his texts takes me back..to the time when we first dated and talked long into the night, hearing stories about the dog reminds me of when I adopted the puppy and how sad I felt at almost having to take him back.  When we do talk, he and I, it is awkward.  I don’t want to share where I moved and I am still not ready to date anyone.  I guess sometimes his texts annoy me now since I am trying so hard to focus on me.

D, if you are reading this. I hate to hurt you again. But, please don’t text for a while and I won’t call.  Let’s cut it off entirely and take some time..to figure out who we really are as individuals. Only God knows if our paths will intersect again, and what happens then.

:

 

Metaphor at First

I am angry at myself for opening the door again.  I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision.  On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track.  I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key.  I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.

Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people.  We can say again and again thatt we are but;

  Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.

Clearer Thinking and Time

Church was awesome tonight!  About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.

It made me wonder, though.  When D and I were together,  we prayed over everything.  How was our desire so wrong?  Or was it?

God gave us each other but it didn’t last.  I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.

I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy.  He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t.  Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons.  He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true.  He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money.  This angers me.  I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt.  I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again.  I also need to seriously pray.

Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things.    I am not sure God wants me with D. again.  My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,

As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer.  I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.

Which brings me back to my original question;  How were we both so wrong?

Truth Hurts

I am an Idiot!

  I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend

. This is killing me.

  As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry.  I don’t know how to handle this. 

  People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.

  I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now.  Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.

  I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.

My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley

I Can Go My Own Way

I have said it before and I need to say it again.  I am Single and alone.  I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D.  The more I hear, the worse his past and present is.  The more, the deception is clear.  The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be.  The stronger the heartache.  The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.

I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.

I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.

Here’s a funny short true story.  So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats.  She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me!  Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.

checking Him Out

I have come to the realization that if I become interested in a man again, I will need to do a background check before getting serious.  I have serious trust issues now.

I have been talking to my Therapist on Talkspace and it is going well.  I realize that neither of my failed marriages were my fault.  I cannot or could not help my health issues which my 1st husband knew about. Truth is, he wanted to fool around and wasn’t happy being married.  As for my 2nf marriage/Annulment. We got married on a lie or at least an omission.  By not telling me his history, D. opened the door to go back to his old life and for me to react the way I did.  I have nothing to be guilty for in either ending.

It’s difficult. Being alone, at my age. Crazy and I keep watching reruns of The Golden Girls.

When it comes to sex, although I miss the amazing sex I had with D.; I’ve got it covered.  I invested in a Toy with 7 speeds. Not the same, but satisfactory, and I don’t have to worry about diseases.

 

Thoughts and Events

I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since I have seen / talked to my ex-husband. I can’t believe it got so far that I seriously changed my name back to my maiden name and all I have to do is go to the bank to complete it. I went to the bank today, but the power went out so I will have to complete it on Monday. This is not the way I wanted my life to be. This is not the way I wanted my marriage to end. I held off on doing this for so long in hopes that he loved me enough stop doing the things he was doing but to no avail.

 I know I need to see a counselor or a therapist over my emotions. But, I haven’t decided if I should actually see someone or try over the phone. Has anyone tried phone therapy? I feel as if I will continue to pretend happiness for a long time. 

In other news, my friend came over to spend his birthday here in Vegas. He took Crazy and I to the Terry Fator show. I’d seen that once before and, although it is a good show, I am really not interested in singing puppets. Unless of course you’re talking about like The Muppet Movie, but this is not a movie; this is supposed to be a comedy act. Honestly, I didn’t like it.. especially this time. I think he dealt with some crude topics and he had children in the front row. My favorite comedian, excuse me, Ventriloquist is Jeff Dunham. He knows how to do it right.

 Anyway the second night that let’s just call him Alf was here, we went karaokying and it was like really crowded so Alf and I only got one song each in. But it was fun because I haven’t karaokyed in a long time.

 My leg brace was taken off and I have been going to therapy for my hand/wrist for the last three times.  This last time they added knee therapy, so although it takes longer again for therapy; I am healing up pretty quickly.