I am an Idiot!
I have been praying every day for over a year for my last husband to clean up from drugs and alcohol and come back to me..only to find out that he now has a Girlfriend
. This is killing me.
As it’s been, I have been afraid to see him because I would cry. I don’t know how to handle this.
People keep saying to “Get over him” which is not helpful.
I am not giving up on God or my faith but my prayers seem futile now. Plus, I wanted to snap at my sister since she was the one who pushed the Annulment.
I know it’s all my responsibility for my own choices but I am miserable now.
My song for today is The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
I have said it before and I need to say it again. I am Single and alone. I need to embrace this and let go of the “Love” I have/had for D. The more I hear, the worse his past and present is. The more, the deception is clear. The clearer the picture of the man he was, is, and wants to be. The stronger the heartache. The more I worry about D. or even the dog, the less I embrace my life.
I have much to be grateful for…my beautiful cats, my best friend, my beautiful condo, my car, the opportunity to have therapy to recover from my fall, the freedom to go where I want, when I want and with whom I want, the freedom to believe where I want in the God I want to believe in.
I know I am strong and I know what is and is not acceptable in my life.
Here’s a funny short true story. So, I am hiring a pet sitter and after finding and texting a girl I think will work out, she shows up to meet the cats. She and her friend were deaf and she never bothered to tell me! Unfortunately, having never left them before, I didn’t hire her.A few days before, my 2 year old calico got hurt and I wouldn’t know if she hadn’t screamed.
I have come to the realization that if I become interested in a man again, I will need to do a background check before getting serious. I have serious trust issues now.
I have been talking to my Therapist on Talkspace and it is going well. I realize that neither of my failed marriages were my fault. I cannot or could not help my health issues which my 1st husband knew about. Truth is, he wanted to fool around and wasn’t happy being married. As for my 2nf marriage/Annulment. We got married on a lie or at least an omission. By not telling me his history, D. opened the door to go back to his old life and for me to react the way I did. I have nothing to be guilty for in either ending.
It’s difficult. Being alone, at my age. Crazy and I keep watching reruns of The Golden Girls.
When it comes to sex, although I miss the amazing sex I had with D.; I’ve got it covered. I invested in a Toy with 7 speeds. Not the same, but satisfactory, and I don’t have to worry about diseases.
Happy New Year.
I enter 2017 with the theme song,
Try It On My Own by Whitney Houston.
I am doing my best to keep positive while moving forward but it is difficult.
I still love D. and pray continually for him to get help. We cannot communicate because he continually wants to feel sorry for himself and tell me how hurt I made him. That doesn’t help or change anything.
I need to be moved out, tomorrow and will be staying with Crazy for a few days. I am really not looking forward to it and will probably check the price of the weekly motel near her while there. Right now, everywhere is full due to New Years.
The first two places I liked fell through so I am now waiting…since I pretty much know where I want.
I wish you all a great year!
I do not make Resolutions but, I would love to hear of any you made.
My husband will be out in a week and I am having feelings of relief. He is not dependable anymore, and his priorities have nothing to do with us. He has given up completely and we are just friends and roommates now.
He says he loves me, but if he did; we would not be at this point.
I am just waiting on my car to be repaired and the news that the Annulment is final.
I have been sleeping on an uncomfortable cot in the Living Room, so just purchased a Daybed and Mattress.
I saw my Dr. yesterday (for a physical) and have been diagnosed with Bronchitis. Not surprising since 2 Z – Pack’s didn’t kick it, this time.
Today was weird.
I took the day for myself and didn’t talk to people (except 2). I spent a lot of time crying, thinking and praying. I refuse to stop the annulment. He needs to be on his own and be responsible. But, as time gets closer I am so scared of losing him forever.
We are still friends now, but it is so damn hard.
Why won’t he stop the drugs and get clean? He had been clean for two years before we met. I need him to clean up because he wants to and prove he can stay that way. I need to put this in God’s hands because only God knows what happens next.
I believe I have been getting an awful lot of sleep, which is both good and bad.
I believe a lot of it has to do with depression from the situation. It’s hard to tell my husband I don’t love him, when I do, and when I tried to explain that I will always have some love for him, he took it wrong. I believe he was served last Saturday, but, I could be wrong. I really do want him to get his stuff out soon, so I can sell this house and move. Plus, I am tired of feeding his fish especially the Catfish who eat other live fish. They should all very Vegetarian, like me.
Since Firepie is gone, it’s been quite peaceful among the remaining cats. Was that one or two weeks ago she went away? I do miss her but, my Ex sends pictures and tells me she is happy watching the golfers and squirrels from the window. She went to a condo of her own where she gets all the attention.
In other news, I took the car in but, am taking it back tomorrow to hopefully get the air fixed. It hasn’t really worked since I got it and blows hot verses cold air which is useless especially in weather over 100.