Metaphor at First

I am angry at myself for opening the door again.  I was finally at peace in my mind with my decision.  On the other hand, it is once more closed and I can’t beat myself up for thoughts and feelings that went off track.  I guess I am thankful action wasn’t taken, after all. I guess the hard part now is being able to lock the door and throw away the key.  I thought I had done this earlier, yet, I allowed his words to slip through so I know the lock is off or loose.

Pastor mentioned last night to get rid of your past and surround yourself with positive people.  We can say again and again thatt we are but;

  Lord, Please help me to move forward with you.

Clearer Thinking and Time

Church was awesome tonight!  About having trust in God and he will give you your hearts desire.

It made me wonder, though.  When D and I were together,  we prayed over everything.  How was our desire so wrong?  Or was it?

God gave us each other but it didn’t last.  I believe Satan intervened quickly to tear us a part and my husband was easily swayed to pull away..into his old lifestyle.

I have been in touch with him recently and nothing was easy.  He wants to start over..with dating and forget the past ever really happened.. But, I can’t.  Everything did happen and it ended for a reason or reasons.  He said he stopped doing drugs two months ago which is great, if true.  He is also having financial issues and suggested I help him with money.  This angers me.  I helped him with money for a long time when we were married and before which led me to debt.  I don’t want to date when he has only been clean for two months. I need way more time if we are ever meant to be together again.  I also need to seriously pray.

Pastor talked about new beginnings and letting God handle things.    I am not sure God wants me with D. again.  My heart,mind and body are back to confusion YET,

As much as I love the man, i am seeing things clearer.  I feel/read his anger when things do not go his way, I have trust issues now and am not sure we are really meant for each other.

Which brings me back to my original question;  How were we both so wrong?

I Hate Good-Bye

I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I have to.  

D. and I said our goodbyes or rather emailed them.  He wrote such a sweet email, I am in tears.  He has accepted the fact that neither of us will change for the other.  I am not sure what I was supposed to change but he will never get real help for his addiction.  

I Hate this Shit and I hate Satan for tearing us apart!  I hate my emotions when the day started out so peaceful and I am turning into a puddle. again.

I love/loved the man who I married and considered him my soul mate.  I want to continue praying that he will go back to the man I married… BUT:

I can’t.  I just tried to call him and didn’t get through. It is God’s way of saying to seriously Let Go!   

God”s got it all under control and he alone lnows the future.  It may be “us” again or it may not; but I can no longer wish, dream, hope, pray,or dwell on the possibility.  I think by doing that, I am getting in the way of God’s plan..for both of us.

Tomorrow, I go to California.  I am excited to see my old cat; and friends I haven”t seen since I moved here.  When I get back, life will get back to my new reality and I will spend more time at my new church volunteering, etc.

I think i just went through a war but, I conquered it.  After this night is over, my peace of my decision will once again, return.

Bittersweet Ending

Spent all day Monday (after doctor) at Social Security Office and yesterday, at DMV changing everything back to my Maiden Name.  Today, I will continue with the bank, etc.

How do I feel?  Well, I held off as long as I could.  There is no point in going over how much I want him to get help. I want to cry since it is cleansing yet… I know God is with me and I did what I had to do.

Do I still love him?  Yes, at the moment but I don’t love his stupid choices or the fact he gave up our Marriage to play with drugs and illegal graffiti.  He was starting to take off with selling his artwork and I was proud of him!

What now?  I keep going forward.  I work on healing physicals and emotionally. I get closer to God.  I continue to pray for D and work on losing the obsession.  I am not looking for anyone. I get to know me, again.

Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

* The sickness was side effects from my meds.



Another Life Update

I have not received any offers on house and price has already been dropped 10 K.  People are leaving negative feedback regarding the cat smell.   I have 4 cats here!  My Handyman is going to remove the rest of carpet this weekend.

I have tried remaining friends  (and Lovers) with my husband, but it isn’t working.   He has been acting like a total Ass and is constantly drinking stuff with alcohol or smoking pot.  I have noticed I have been a lot less sick since we split up.

I got the Daith Piercing for my Migraines and am really impressed so far.   I still needed my meds when it got really bad, but I went 15 days without one.  That’s a record for me!


He’s Moving Out

My husband is able to start moving into his apartment this weekend.  It’s what is needed;  but still extremely hard.

   He says he will never get married again.   I feel a bit guilty because I know my decision has really affected him.   But,  on the flip side;  had he not made (and is still making) the choices he did,  we would not be here.

  So, here I am in sadness,  guilt and confusion,  as well as,  confidence and excitement for what lies ahead.

Friends and Lovers

It’s been a long time and my husband and I made love the other night.   
  That was definitely not the reason for the Annulment.

  I know he really wants me to change my mind,  but,  that is not happening.   He still does Marijuana and he needs to take responsibility for himself.   We are like Best Friends now, but he doesn’t see the bills and the stress I am under over what to pay and when.   After he moves his fish out,  I can guarantee my electric bill will go down.

It is a bit sad to move because this house was my dream;   but it’s best, not only for location but also,  for memory sake.